Epistemic Ingemination

Truer words never spoken.

[Addendum, after a couple of emails]

Yes, I still want to be Keith Emerson.

Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog.

This is muy great, approaching genius.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Laurel and Hardy. Backed up by the Gap Band.

The corporate jargon BS generator. Save time preparing for those weekly meetings.

And don’t miss “Buzzword Bingo” down at the bottom of the page, either.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer.

The bartender says “You’re all idiots”, and pours two beers.

Brand new. The Monty Python Channel On Youtube.

From Emo Philips. This one is said to have been voted the funniest religious joke of all time…

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too!” Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

CNN is replaying the debate in about 25 minutes. Since I haven’t seen it yet, I’m going to do an experiment and blog as I watch it. If I turn out to be really lame at it, I can always delete it, and we’ll pretend you never saw this, okay? Oh – and I am going to do it in chronological order, not reverse order like everyone else who does this. Harrumph.

I will say one thing up front. I saw a few moments of the debate last night on a Hi-Def television at Threadgill’s. McCain’s makeup was not only visible, it was obvious that his eyebrows had been slightly darkened and his eyes were pretty well pancaked. I’ve read that Hi-Def is killing the retail pornography industry, which I think is hilarious. I understand why now.

9:00 – Heh. McCain really doesn’t like Obama. The handshake was as stiff as a board and the smile as false as a snake’s.

9:03: McCain: Fanny & “Freddy Mae?” McCain wants to buy bad mortgages and renegotiate ‘em. Yeh! That’s it! Let’s use the money to eliminate bad decisions. Great.

9:05: Obama’s natural cadence is kind of start-and-stop. You’re going to hear eight years of impersonators taking this to the bank…

9:07: Nice zing by Obama. “We both want to cut taxes. The difference is who we want to cut taxes for.” McCain’s answer? Obama wants to “spread the wealth around.” Socialism!

9:11: McCain: 35% business tax rates! He neglects to mention that the number of deductions brings it down to right around the average world tax rate.

9:15: At least we have two candidates who can pronounce “nuclear.” (Of course, Palin says “nukular.”)

9:17: McCain wants a line-item veto. Obama doesn’t jump on it, and should.
Obama addresses the “earmarks” bugaboo. 1/2 of one percent of the budget. Good perspective.

9:19: Oooo. John-boy gets Snippy. “I am not president Bush. If you wanted to run against Bush, you should’ve run four years ago.” This oughta be good. Obama: If I mistake your policies for George Bush, it’s because you’ve supported them.

Man. McCain is getting mad. He’s blinking two or three times a second and has a pasted on grimace that’s supposed to be a smile…

9:24: McCain still won’t tell Obama anything to his face, even when invited to do so. “We will run a truthful campaign.” Yeah, right.
Obama: (looking McCain in the eye) “100% of your ads have been negative. 100%.” Nice jujitsu. McCain has steam coming out of his ears.

9:29: What is it with Joe the plumber again? If Joe the plumber wants to buy a business, of course he’s going to be exposed to more taxes. He also gets a wheelbarrow full of deductions. Every business owner does. He also gets a chance to make a buttload of money. Let it go, for cripes sake.

9:30: Obama looks at McCain and says “People are saying ‘terrorist’ and ‘kill him’ about me at your running-mates rallies.” Very, very good. McCain completely goes off the tracks, spewing about patriotic veterans at his rallies and how they are being impugned. Obama wisely lets it lay there like the merde that it is and takes it back to issues.

9:35: Obama laughs out loud at McCain’s characterization of ACORN as “voter fraud.” Good. Points out that it is voter registration fraud perpetrated upon ACORN. McCain still pushes it. Bad move. Obama wins this one hands down. McCain: “My campaign is about getting this economy back on track.” Obama laughs again. Seems to work, even if it’s a but disrespectful.

9:42: “Why would your running mate make a better president than your opponents?” This oughta be good. Obama lists Biden’s CV quite nicely.
McCain: “Americans have gotten to know Sarah Palin: she’s a model for the women of America. A reformer through and through.” And she has a kid who has Special Needs. Puhl-eeze.

Heh. Sweet and subtle moment. Schieffer calls time on McCain, but Obama indicates that McCain should be allowed to keep talking. Let him keep on digging deeper, please Bob.

9:50: McCain: 45 New Nuclear Plants will save the country! Drill baby drill! Obama: we have 4% of the reserves and we use 25% of the oil. Gut check. McCain: Drill drill drill. Free trade with Columbia! Obama: labor leaders are being assassinated in Columbia. Let’s stop that first.

9:57: Obama: retool auto plants for fuel efficient vehicles, and help auto makers do that. McCain: Obama doesn’t want free trade with Columbia and wants to kiss Hugo Chavez and North Korea and Iran and everybody bad everywhere….

Man. Every time CNN does a split screen, looking at McCain is like looking at Ilie Năstase play tennis in the old days. You wonder when he’s going to blow. McCain is, quite simply, a schoolyard bully. I feel that I know exactly what this guy is about; that’s the only thing that I see here.

10:02: McCain: Joe the plumber again. Obama: Joe the Plumber — here’s what it costs you: Zero. Nada. Nit. McNăstase blinks at a rate of four times a second. Obama: McCain taxes your health care for the first time, ever. “This is your plan, John.”

BlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlink. McCain says “spread the wealth” again. Right-wing code talking for socialism, I presume. John: a hint — you’re not talking just to the wingnuts here, and ’spreading the wealth’ around looks pretty damned good to the rest of the country right about now.

10:11: Roe v Wade. Obama: personal decision, and the constitution has a right to privacy, not subject to state legislation. Ballsy, and very good. McCain: we have to change the culture of America. Another hint for ya, John-boy: No, you need to join the culture of America.

10:15: McCain: Obama voted “present” on abortion in Illinois. Not a bad little hit. Obama: There was already a law on the books, and many republicans and democrats voted against or “present” on that one. I support a ban on late term abortions, except where the mother’s life is endangered and that was the sticking point. That’s why I voted “present.” McCain: I adopted kids.

10:19: Education. Obama: invest in early education. A pennies on the dollar investment. We need an army of new math and science teachers. McCain: BlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlink. McCain: education is the “civil rights issue of the 21st century.” Wow. I agree 100%. Good for him. McCain: vouchers vouchers vouchers. Let ex military people teach in our schools without having to be certified. (What?!?)

10:23: Obama: “No child left behind is a start, but unfortunately they left the money behind.” Nice little zinger there. If teachers can’t hack it, get rid of ‘em. “Youth are not an interest group. They are our future.” Nice. McCain: D.C. parents want vouchers! Reform Head Start! My running mate will fund autism! Obama: McCain wants to increase vouchers in D.C. by 2000. There are fifty other states.

10:29: Closing statements. McCain: America needs a new direction. (Doesn’t he realize that this is an absurd thing to come out of his mouth?) Can you trust Obama? I’ve spent my entire life in public service.

Obama: We have to invest in the people of this country. We all have to come together to tackle this. I ask for your vote. I’ll work on your behalf.

McCain: BlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlink
BlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlink

…

This was fun; I doubt that I’ll ever do it again. I think Obama not only won; Obama mopped the floor with McCain. I think McCain proved beyond a doubt to more people than me that he does not have the temperament to be President. He is a very angry man.

…

Final thought: Anyone who is an “undecided voter” at this point is an unserious person who should be ignored as unworthy; they certainly don’t deserve any attention whatsoever from the engaged citizens of this nation.

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said ‘Well, you know, Palin is a post turtle.’ Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle is. The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.’

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain… ‘You know she didn’t get up there by herself, you know she doesn’t belong up there, she doesn’t know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.’

Hugh Hewett, conservative radio wingnut, interviews Palin. (I guess that they didn’t have such a great track record with genuine journalists. Or even Katie Couric.)

You don’t even have to read the answers. The questions suffice:

HH: Governor Sarah Palin, welcome to the Hugh Hewitt Show. Great to have you.

…

HH: Governor, your candidacy has ignited extreme hostility, even some hatred on the left and in some parts of the media. Are you surprised? And what do you attribute this reaction to?

…

HH: Now Governor, the Gibson and the Couric interview struck many as sort of pop quizzes designed to embarrass you as opposed to interviews. Do you share that opinion?

…

HH: Have you followed the attacks on you, say, via Drudge or the blogs? Some of them are just made up and out of left field, others are just mocking. Do you follow those?

…

HH: Governor, you mentioned the people who are struggling right now. Have you and your husband, Todd, ever faced tough economic times where you had to sit around a kitchen table and make tough choices?

…

HH: Governor, when you say things are tight right now, is that simply because of Todd being off not working? Or is it because of extraordinary demands on the fiscal resources of the Palin family? What’s the situation there?

…

HH: Governor, let’s turn to a couple of issues that the MSM’s not going to pick up. You’re pro-life, and how much of the virulent opposition to you on the left do you attribute to your pro-life position, and maybe even to the birth of, your decision, your and Todd’s decision to have Trig?

…

HH: Do you think the mainstream media and the left understands your religious faith, Governor Palin?

…

HH: Governor, let’s close with some foreign affairs. It is reported that you had an Israeli flag in your governor’s office. You wore an Israeli flag pin occasionally. One, is that true? And two, why your support for Israel?

…

HH: Last question, Governor. Have you and Todd heard from your son? And how is it on your nerves having your son deployed?

…

HH: Governor Sarah Palin, look forward to talking to you again, good luck on Thursday night.

From a protest outside of the New York Stock Exchange on Friday…

Boy. Deer, meet headlights. This is a person that promotes a calm trust, through his sheer power and maturity in a time of crisis, innit? (I’ve added a caption that CNN inadvertently left out.)

Just reading a post article. McCain is shameless. I wish that we had the right to append footnotes… hmm…

“Look, have no doubt about it, the capabilities of Senator Obama to a debate — I mean, he’s very, very good^[1],” McCain said. “He was able to beat Senator Hillary Clinton, who, as we all know, is very accomplished, very accomplished.”

McCain said that Obama “was able to, I think, with his eloquence inspire a great number of Americans.^[2] So these are going to be tough debates.”

“But I believe that on the substance, on the substance, I can convince the American people that I can reform government^[3], restore prosperity^[4] and keep the peace^[5],” he said.

[1] “I’m running scared, and must downplay expectations.”
[2] “And I don’t.”
[3] “Although I haven’t done anything towards this goal in my 26 years as a Representative and Senator, except co-sponsor campaign reforms that I am currently violating.”
[4] “Because, being one of the Keating five and having been at the center of the S&L meltdown, I know a little something about bailouts.”
[5] “By being in a permanent state of war.”

Well, maybe not so much of a “chuckle”… it’d be great satire if it wasn’t all true. But it’s brilliant.

From “Bill in Portland Maine” over on DailyKos: his imaginary interview w/ Charlie Gibson.

In what respect, Charlie?

What do you interpret it to be?

Well, Charlie, that’s tough.  Is it the Bush doctrine that says you can go back on your promise to cut global emissions as soon as you take office?  Or the one that says ignore PDBs that warn of an imminent attack on the United States?  Perhaps you’re speaking of the Bush doctrine of sticking the government’s nose into private family health decisions?  Or the one that says you can spy on any American at any time for any reason?  Or maybe the one that says, hey, let’s politicize the Department of Justice!  How about the one where you can divert resources from the war on terror to invade a country because its leader once tried to kill your daddy?  Or ignore congressional subpoenas at will?  Or change laws anytime with signing statements?  That doctrine?  Am I close?

Well, I was thinking…

Wait, I know!  Is it the Bush doctrine that says torture is okay and that the writ of habeas corpus is “quaint?”  Or the Bush doctrine that says the free market will regulate itself and bring us endless prosperity?  Is it the doctrine that says deficits don’t matter?  Or the one that says cronies are competent stewards of the nation’s safety?  Maybe it’s the doctrine of thinking that cutting taxes in the middle of two wars is smart?  Or the doctrine that says government commissions—like the Iraq Study Group—should be taken seriously until they release their report, after which they should be ignored?  Then there’s this one: no matter how much people beg for relief, don’t lift a finger to fix the health care mess in this country, but do pass major legislation that increases the profits of drug companies.  How about the doctrine that says any country that doesn’t make themselves over in America’s image should be mocked and ridiculed and even invaded?  Hey, here’s a great doctrine: running the Iraq war “off the books” so it looks like it’s not costing us anything.  Brilliant!  Are these doctrines ringin’ any bells, Charlie?

Err…um…

Is it the Bush doctrine that says you should commute the sentence of a top White House official who committed perjury to help cover up the fact that you outed a covert CIA operative as an act of political revenge?  Or the one that says vote for me because I’m a CEO and I know what I’m doing?  That is, unless it’s the one that says vote for me because I’m an oilman and I’ll keep gas prices low?  How about the one that says let’s privatize Social Security by putting it into the hands of companies like Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers?  Maybe it’s the doctrine that says it’s a good idea to taunt terrorists by sneering, “Bring ‘em on!”  Wait a minute!  It must be the Bush doctrine of raising the terror threat level when it’s politically expedient!  Oh, wait…it could be the doctrine of spending more time on vacation than any other president in history.  Actually, it might be the doctrine that says let’s fuck up the country as much as possible and then blame it on the Democrats.

Tell me, Charlie: which Bush doctrine are you referring to?

The Bush Doctrine as I understand it is that we have the right of anticipatory self-defense.  That we have the right of a preemptive strike against any other country that we think is going to attack us.  Do you agree with that?

Hell, I dunno.  Ask the lady over there beating her ex-brother-in-law with a moose antler.

Here you go. The 50 best cult books.

Okay, so this isn’t going to be so much a general interest topic. As a matter of fact, it may well be dangerous to the sanity of the average normal human being. But if you’re a blog reader and a political junkie, it’s highly amusing, wonderfully snarky and quite informative.

The Official Village Voice Election-Season Guide to the Right-Wing Blogosphere.

Warning: your I.Q. drops ten points for every hour you spend reading these people, unless you take precautions. If you find yourself beginning to feel anger at the injustices forced upon the Rich White People, take a break.

And Hilarious. 763 SXSW MP3s, reviewed in six words only.

Behold the genius. I have tears running down my face, and I’m not even halfway through it.